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We have come here today for Alexis, a beautiful mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to many, who had a heart of gold and who lit up our lives with her wonderful smile, her sense of fun, her warm friendship and her love.
We have come for her and because of her, to express our love and affection and to give thanks for all that she gave to us.
But we also come in shock and grief, for none of us could have imagined being here today, and none of us can quite make sense of what’s happened.
So we come with broken hearts, turbulent emotions and deep sadness.
It is to one another we turn at times like this and I hope we can be of some comfort to each other.
It is also to God we turn, sometimes in protest at the unfairness of it all, but more often in our need to be loved and held. And it is into this love that we entrust Alexis today.
Tribute by Iona Bricknell, a friend of Alexis and also a GP.
I was trying to find some words that could help Graeme explain what has happened, to Thomas and Benjamin, partly as a friend of Alexis, and partly as having had a bit of experience in dealing with depression. The family felt that it may help to also try to explain this today.
Depression is an illness that is difficult for us all to understand unless we have suffered from it, because it is inside, and hidden, so people can’t see it. I often wish there was another term for it because “depression” is a type of mood that we all suffer from at times, but it passes. Clinical Depression is an illness where the intense feelings of persistent sadness and hopelessness are accompanied by physical symptoms such as loss of energy, sleeplessness, and even aches and pains. It has a physical cause, and often does need a physical treatment.
I tried to describe it as a computer malfunction. On the day that she died, it might have been that the electric circuits inside her brain weren’t working properly so that she could not hold any other information in her head –it’s possible that she did not even have access to the fact that she was a mummy, that she was a wife or that she was a friend. She felt that this was the quickest, simplest way to get rid of her pain.
We all know what a strong, focused even stubborn woman she was, and she approached this illness with the same determination – that she would conquer it herself. I mean anyone who has ever tried to persuade Alexis to drink anything other than champagne has seen that determination!
There are many emotions that we will all be feeling. As well as sadness, there is anger, but also for some of us, and that includes myself, there is guilt. Guilt that we did not do more, guilt that we did not realise how seriously ill she really was. But I also know that covering up true feelings is part of the illness, and it really was not possible for any of us to have predicted what was going to happen.
The irony was that she relieved the suffering of so many (physically and mentally), and yet although she was suffering, she didn’t see it in the same way. And she didn’t want to burden others.
Fundamentally she was a happy, vibrant fun person, which is why she married Graeme, and why they had so much fun together – they were so well suited. And she was totally devoted to her sons – all 3 boys were her life, and they were a very happy family, until the last few months, when she became very ill. To quote Libby Purvis, “She stayed as long as she could”. Alexis was seeking peace and resolution, and now she has found it.
Her friend Clare Fleming put it so well when she said that at least now she is not tortured by the pain she has left behind, but is hopefully sitting somewhere in a pretty top and a cowboy hat, with an endless supply of fizz. Everyone here today knew and loved the happy, fun-loving, caring and beautiful woman that was Alexis, and we owe it to her to pass this on to other people ( now and in the future) who have not been fortunate enough to know her, but feel they can judge her.
While trying to compose the right words to say today, Father Joe told me of some sentiments with which he was familiar, and I wondered how I could incorporate them. But they are so moving and apt, that I felt I should just quote them directly . They are from Michael Mayne, a former Dean of Westminster, whose father ( also a vicar), took his own life when Michael was a young child. Years later he looks back and says; “We shall never know why you did what you did, for that is known only to you and God, but your desperate cry for help came out of such unrecognised anguish of spirit that it demands not our judgement, but our deep compassion.”
Tribute by Joe Moffatt, incorporating words from the family
Most of us, at some time or other, have experienced a power failure; when suddenly the lights go out and nothing makes sense anymore because we have been plunged into darkness. The sudden, unexpected and tragic death of Alexis will have been to most of us just such a ‘blackout’ experience, both disorientating and distressing. Without any real warning and with no chance to prepare ourselves, we have been plunged into a disturbing darkness. One minute the sun was shining, the next it was darkest night.
The best thing we can do in our darkeness is to think about the light that was Alexis. So many people have described her as lighting up their lives, giving off a glow and a warmth, an aura that brought something special to their lives. This light shines through the memories that the family have recalled and I simply want to read it out:
Alexis Jane Sims was born in London on 19 September 1965 to Eileen and Nobby. She was baby sister to Nick and Lindsay and always seemed to get away with everything that her sibblings weren't able to. Her family life was fun, loving and very secure surrounded by famiy and friends.
The only way to console Alexis when she was a baby was by her Mum or Dad holding her upside down by her ankles.
As a young child Alexis' daily food consumption was Angel Delight - any flavour would do. Her taste changed to profiteroles as she grew older - hence her wedding cake.
She was such a 'tom boy' and a natural in everything she turned to.
Nick has a memory of when coming home from school Alexis might be riding her bike in the street and would always rush to greet him and in her excitement would lose control of the bike and end up falling off…… She was always covered in bruises and scratches……Nick used to call her ‘Titch’ until she asked him to stop when she went to college!
As a child she went to a local sports centre every Saturday and it was 3 weeks before the tennis coach realised that 'she' was a 'girl' and had been playing in the boys team til then.
At 11 years old a train ticket master said to Alexis 'come along sonny' and she responded 'I am a girl 'and that is the first time she had made someone aware of the fact.
Sport was one of Alexis' many talents with many achievements - winning the Hertfordshire squash championship at 17 without dropping a game, playing squash for England in the under 19 squad and being invited to play and train for her country - her strong minded response was that she would play but not train! She won many squash tournaments in what was a very successful family. She was hockey captain for her school, had a natural golf swing and was just at home on a tennis court - in fact she was asked to take the sport up professionally, and of course not forgetting her football skills. Singing was also one of Alexis' talents as a youngster.
She was Head Girl at her all Girls school in Hertfordshire, she would leave home in pristine condition and come back looking like 'Just William'. At one of the parents evenings the Headmistress commented on the fact that she was the only pupil to turn up on a skateboard !
Alexis was a studier and when revising she would have her two cats, Arithia and Philamina, cuddled to her neck and shoulders.
Although Alexis was the baby of the family we felt a sense of security when she was in our presence, she was our rock. Alexis walked into a room and made it shine, she was full of laugher and fun.
She studied at the British School of Osteopathy, qualifying in 1989. Having worked at a couple of practices Alexis started her own successful business in Teddington 15 years ago.
She was a care-free, fun loving person who met her soul mate Graeme in 1989 at a seven-a-side rugby competition whom she thought had great legs once he swapped his stone washed jeans for shorts - she would later burn those jeans as they cuddled in front of a fire.
Early on Graeme heard she was a good squash player - he had played a fair bit of tennis so he challenged her to a squash game - loser buys dinner. Graeme remembers the story that he did not win more then three points in a single game, Alexis says he did not win three points in three games.
They married in a beautiful summer wedding in 1996 in Hertfordshire and then celebrated their honeymoon in Australia - with Eileen and Lindsay!
They moved to Teddington in 1994, Alexis working on building a succesful Osteopathic practice, Graeme at Sky.
Two beautiful boys came their way, Thomas Bradman (after the greatest cricketer of course !) in 2001 and Benjamin William (after her Dad) in 2004.
Alexis was beautiful inside and out, she had a special gift in the way she related and cared for people - work for her was never a business - it was almost a social gathering - she loved the sense of community.
We all have ebbs and flows in our life, but today we remember Alexis' massive highs and successes which we were all lucky enough to share, we believe it defines her character and spirit and we know that her spirit was pure.
She will be hugely missed.
Reading:
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
By Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral
Reflection by Joe Moffatt
This poem has brought comfort to thousands of people over the years since Canon Scott Holland wrote it as part of a sermon in 1908. It says something important about the continuity of our love and relationship with the one we have lost. Some of the words seem particularly relevant to Alexis – wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow, laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes we always enjoyed together.
But there is something about the opening line that is simply wrong. Death is not nothing at all. It is a desperately painful and hard separation and it seems so utterly final and devastating. Nothing that I can say today can make it any less painful or hard.
The only thought that I can offer, is that as the poem suggests, there are some things that endure. Alexis can still bring light to our lives as we remember all the special things she did and the way she lived and loved. There are people who now walk more easily or feel less pain because of her healing touch. And there are two wonderful boys, as well as Graeme and the rest of the family, who will forever carry with them the wonderful ways in which she gave herself to them. We may also think of the way she has brought us together and of all the positive things that might happen as a result. The amazing response on the justgiving website is just one example.
(www.justgiving.com/alexissims)
All of these things about Alexis will endure. And they are a faint indication of the love that endures beyond the grave, of the light that is stronger than death, of the everlasting arms of God that will always be there to hold us.
One final thought. If the cross has any meaning for us it is surely this: that even in an event that seems so utterly final and devastating, new life can emerge; that even in the worst of events God is present and there are possibilities of redemption.
Alexis, may you rest in peace and may we carry your light to others as you brightly shone for us.
Amen.
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